The Oracle of Apollo Snippets from the life of Apollo Lee

Test-Only Smog Stations

In 2003, the State of California passed legislation that allowed for test-only emissions certification shops. Apparently, there had been a rash of shops that were failing motorists in order to be able to charge them for emissions repairs. Having test-only shops was a good idea, because then the shop owner didn’t have a vested interest in the failure of their customers.

My plates expire in June. This means that today was the big day to go get a smog test on my embarrassingly busted ass hooptie. Remembering that I received a notification that my smog had to be conducted at a test-only station, I drove around for a while looking for a smog station.

1. Station 1, Sunnyvale: Normal service station. Smog test: $29.99 + paperless transfer fee ($2.50). Their unit was out of service, though.
2. Station 2, Sunnyvale: Normal service station. Smog test: $24.95 + paperless transfer fee. Sorry. I need test-only.
3. Station 3, Sunnyvale: Test-only. Smog: $69.99 + DMV fee ($8.95) + paperless transfer fee. Moving on.
4. Station 4, Mountain View: Test-only. Smog: $71.99 + DMV fee + paperless transfer fee + sitting in our waiting room fee + bullshit added tax (bend over, Apollo). Next.
5. Station 5, Mountain View: Test-only. Smog: $64.99 + about $12 in fees.
6. Station 6, Mountain View: Test-only. Smog: $51.99 + fees. Total: $62.50. Screw it, I’m tired of driving around town looking for one place that charges similar rates as a service station.

Service station owners: I don’t care why you feel the need to charge three times as much for a smog as a place that can fix my car if something’s wrong. Don’t tell me about how I’m not educated about my smog needs as you gleefully and mercilessly poon me for your fist full of cash. This kind of highway robbery should be a felony.

No wonder traditional service station owners are pissed. I’m pissed, too.

SOMETIMES, WE CANNOT SEE THE TREES, BECAUSE THE FOREST IS TOO BEAUTIFUL. 20 TO $30 SMOGS, ARE THE FOREST, BECAUSE YOUR ATTRACTED TO A BEAUTIFUL PRICE. THE STATION OWNER KNOWS THAT 20 TO $30 IS ONLY YOUR ENTRY FEE, INTO THE FOREST. ONCE IN THERE, THE OWNER WILL FIND A TREE OR TWO FOR YOU TO PURCHASE, AS HE HAS THE ABILITY TO “FAIL” YOUR CAR, WHY? BECAUSE HE KNOW’S THAT THE AVERAGE CONSUMER CAN BE EASILY TALKED INTO A MINOR REPAIR OR TWO. 90% ANSWERED “YES” “IF IT ONLY ADDS $50 OR $60 TO THE BILL, AND HE CAN DO THE REPAIRS, AT THE SAME TIME HE “RETEST’S” AND “CERTIFIES” YOUR CAR. COST TO CUSTOMER TEST $25 REPAIRS $55 TOTAL $80. THE PRICE FOR “ONE STOP SHOPPING” NOW CAN YOU SEE, WHY THEY WANT “TEST ONLY’S” TO GO AWAY. WE ARE PROVIDING THE SAME SERVICE AT A LOWER PRICE,, EXCEPT WERE BLINDFOLDED. WE DO ONE THING, “TEST ONLY” THE INSURANCE THE PUBLIC NEED’S, TO KEEP THE SCALES BALANCED. TEST ONLY AT MY SHOP RETAILS AT $58.00 49.75 8.25. COUPON PRICE $48.00 RETEST: RETAIL $25.00 COUPON PRICE FREE. 2nd RETEST IS FREE 3RD RETEST NEVER HAPPENED YET. THE CONSUMER KNOWS THE TOTAL PRICE BEFORE THE TEST BEGINS, PASS OR FAIL. WE PROVIDE A COMPUTERISED PRINT OUT, OF WHAT YOUR CAR RECORDED ON CERTIFIED EQUIPMENT, THAT ANY CERTIFIED REPAIR SHOP, CAN USE AS A ROADMAP OF THE REPAIRS, W/O ANY TESTING BY THEM. THE CONSUMER NEED’S TO KNOW, THAT “TESTS ONLY” CENTERS ARE MORE PRO-EFFICENT, BECAUSE THEY SPECIALIZE IN ONLY ONE THING, AND ONE THING ONLY, AND THEY KNOW IT, VERY WELL. MY TECH WILL VERBALLY FAIL A CAR, IF HE SEES ANYTHING DURING A PRE-DYNO RUN UP. THAT’S AN OPEN HOOD, LOOK FOR COMPONETS OR MODIFICATIONS OR MISSING EQUIPMENT, LOOK UNDER CAR FOR CAT. CONNECT OBD II AND VERIFY COMUNICATIONS. ALL DONE BEFORE THE DYNO. VERBALLY FAILED CUSTOMERS PAY ZERO. WHERE ELSE CAN YOU GET SERVICE LIKE THAT, FOR FREE? ONCE THE CAR GETS ON THE DYNO, AND THE TEST BEGIN’S, WE NO LONGER CONTROL THE OUTCOME, COMPUTERS TALKING TO COMPUTERS, INPUT DATA BEING PROCESSED, SENSORS ARE TESTING COMPONETS, LOAD IS INCREASED, READINGS ARE TAKEN, TEST OVER. WE CANNOT BE IN THIS BUSINESS, WITHOUT A SENSE OF PURPOSE. AND THAT IS TO INSURE THAT THE CERTIFICATION OF YOUR EMMISSIONS SYSTEM IS BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT, BECAUSE SOMETINES STRANGE THINGS HAPPEN, IN THE FOREST.

The last time I took my car to a place that wasn’t test-only, it cost me $38. Most places in the San Francisco Bay Area seem to be run by people who jack the prices just because they know that the State of California is going to send 80% of renewals to test-only shops. Jerking the price upwards to “save people money” because some shops fail people in order to add $60 to the bill isn’t excusable. It’s extortion.

Also, there’s a key under the tab key on your keyboard called “CAPS LOCK“. Let’s try using that before we post 400 words in someone’s blog comments.

Thanks for your input.